The power of imagination makes us infinite. Keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out. A
mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.
Do not take life too seriously. You will
never get out of it alive. Life's too mysterious to take it too
Brains are awesome I wish everybody had one.
My brain is like The Bermuda Triangle... Information goes in and then
it's never found again.
A turtle loses his shell; is he naked or homeless ?
What key won't open any door? A
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito.
People say I look better without glasses. But I just can’t see it. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses. Why do you never see a phone wearing glasses? Because they have
Don't blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus
A man goes to library and asks for a book on
Suicide......... Librarian looks at him and says: "hello.. who will
return the book ? "
Sometimes later becomes never. The doctor asks the client with a loss of memory to pay in advance. Because tomorrow may never come.
Have a friend who can read your "face" as a "book" and ask, "what's up ?"
Best friends buy you food; true friends pay the bill; but fake friends eat your food. Good times and crazy friends make the best memories.
Don’t bite more than you can chew !
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
You can’t always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out.
When you are stressed, you eat dessert. Because
stressed spelled backwards is "desserts ".
My soul is on a budget. I can't afford negativity, doubt, drama, hate or bad vibes.
Don't let the same snake bite you twice. Act like an angry
octopus shoots ink, and
skunks use spray as a last resort.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique.
Just like everyone else. Don't drink to forget me, you'll end up seeing me double.
It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any
Kindness is always fashionable.
The sweetest things become the
most bitter by excess. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't
expect it back. I have a bad habit of giving an ocean whenever someone asks for a single drop. No beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart.
Money doesn’t make you happy, but a lack of money can create unhappiness. Bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Sleep like you're rich, work like you're broke. You can't have a million-dollar dream with a
minimum-wage worth ethic. Work until your bank account looks like a
You can use your time to make money, but you can't use the
money to purchase more time. So I bought a
Rolex with the trade-in of my
A lady in front of me at the dollar store paid for my items.
I paid for the man behind me, and he left $10 with the cashier because there
was no one behind him !
Life does not come with instructions on how to live. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe. I may be wrong, but it's highly unlikely.
Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
"I was appointed from eternity, from the beginning, before the world began".
(Proverbs 8: 23)
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
Money is a great servant but a bad master. I had
plastic surgery last week. I cut up my
stole my wife's credit card. But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet. A thief broke into my house last night….. He
started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.
A drowning man will clutch at a straw. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me
There's no fear when you're having fun. If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive. If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid.
When you learn how much you're worth, don't settle for average. You'll stop giving people discounts. And make sure to
History is the story of events, with praise or blame.
10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob
Hope, and Johnny
Cash. Now we have no Jobs, no Hope, and no
Cash. The future is promised to no one.
When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died;
Never frequent beauty shops that don’t have mirrors.
They have something to hide.
When nothing goes right... goes left. The right thing
with the wrong motive, is the wrong thing. I am not superstitious, but I'm a little stitious.
We make mistakes because life doesn’t come with instructions. Sometimes it takes the wrong turn to get you to the right place. Follow the
bees to find
honey. Follow the
flies and find the
I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to
do it anyway. People say you can’t live without
love, but I think
oxygen is more important.
Life is trying things to see if they work. If I am ever on life support, unplug me... Then plug me back in. See if that works ?
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. They say, "Don't try this at home". So I am coming over to your house to try it. Don't close the doors on me, or I will come back to buy the building.
A door is much smaller compared to the
house; a lock is much smaller compared to the door; and a key is the
smallest of all, but a key can open the entire house.
We have two
lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
To live is to learn, and to learn is to live. If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to laugh about when you're old. I hope it doesn't take you a lifetime to understand this.
The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.
My mother always used to say: The older you get, the
better you get, unless you’re a banana. It's not giving up. It's called growing up. Do not let age dictate your worth; embrace the wisdom that comes with experience.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Guy walks out of the restroom... Girl says: "Sir your garage door is open... Guy asks: "Did
you see my Harley"... Girl says: "No, I saw a
mini bike with two flat
Adam and Eve were the first ones to ignore Apple's terms and conditions.
The oldest computer was owned by Adam and
Eve. It was an Apple with very limited memory. Just
byte and everything crashed. Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.
If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, then maybe it's time to stop standing and start
If you are uncertain about where you stand, then step aside and
have a seat. Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you will
get knocked down by traffic from both sides.
A wise man makes his own decisions. An ignorant man follows public opinions.
When I was young, I was scared of the dark.
Now when I see the electricity bill, I'm scared of the
They say with age comes wisdom. Therefore, I don't have wrinkles. I have wise cracks. My face carries all my memories. Wrinkles only go where the smiles have been.
If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed
The optimist invents the airplane; the
pessimist invents the parachute. The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.
I'm sick of following my dreams. Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my
alarm clock keeps trying to break us up. I keep calm and turn it off and on again
! There is no
sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
You have to dream before your dreams can come true. Don't give up on your dreams, or your dreams will give up on you.
The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.
Comfort and change do not dwell together. Every morning you have two choices: continue to
sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase them.
Life is constantly changing. Dreams don't have an expiration. If you have dreams to achieve, you are still young. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.
The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting
time and go to sleep. Every great dream begins with a dreamer. If your dreams don't scare you, they are not big enough.
Love is life. If you miss love, you miss life. Stop saying that marriage is "just a piece of paper". So is money, but you still get up every day and work hard for it.
Love is a game that two can play and both win. Marriage is not just a word; it’s a sentence.....
life sentence !)
When a man makes more money, he feels like he wants
more women; but when a woman makes more money, she feels like she doesn't
need a man.
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men
marry women hoping they will not. Having a wife is part of living, but living with wife is the art of living. Love isn’t something you find. Love is something that finds you.
Make your marriage more awesome than your wedding. Marriage is a
workshop, where husband
works and wife
shops. A good husband makes
a good wife.
Man has his will; woman has her way. A
successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man !
No man knows more about women than I do, all I know is that I know nothing... The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes. I am teachable. I'm not always right.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't
understand a single word of what I am saying.
The best thing about speaking the truth is
you don't have to remember what you said.
I seriously cannot wait until all the pieces come together and I finally understand why I went through everything I did.
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
I laughed so hard that tears ran down
my leg. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk
comes out of my nose.
I get most of my
exercise these days from shaking
my head in disbelief.
A valuable lesson teaches you something important.
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED, but there is:
When you marry the right one, you are
COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
Man cannot live on
bread alone; he must have
A woman went
shopping. At the cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a
in her purse. He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today
The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased. Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing. He said your husband has blocked your credit card .........
People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys. If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else. Trying to make sense of crazy will make you crazy. Be happy, it drives people crazy.
Don't get me started, I don't come with brakes. I’m not weird, I’m just
Laughing at our own mistakes can lengthen our own
life; laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
I am a very simple person in real life, and I enjoy what I do. I try not to laugh at my own jokes but you all know I'm hilarious.
If you don't laugh at my jokes then I will. You laugh because you
think it's a joke. I laugh because you think I'm joking.
Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. Laugh while you still have teeth. Don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
Life is short and so am I. If you lie in bed at night and you
don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries
me. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them.
The journey is never ending. It's never too late to reinvent yourself. Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a
cheese. Wine gets better with age I get better with
You can't be young forever. What goes up but doesn't come down?
Your age ! Don't let aging get you down. It's
too hard to get up again. When you have more
on your cake than friends
at your birthday party, laugh while you still have teeth.
As we get older,
three things happen. The
is our memory goes, and we can’t remember the
Nothing is interesting if you're not interested. Time is money, I cannot afford to waste my time. I need a new friend. The last one escaped. He couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions. Finally I realized, I was never asking for too much, I was just asking the wrong person.
Do You Know Me ?
How could an innocent question like "Do you know me? " end up like this? And why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
trial, a Southern
prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand -- a
grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, " Mrs.
Jones, do you know me ? " She responded, " Why, yes I do know you, Mr.
Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. " The lawyer was
stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
" Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ? " She again replied, " Why
yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy,
bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women -- one of
them was your wife. Yes, I know him. " The defense attorney almost died. The
judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet
voice, said, " If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll
throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
Happiness does not cost you anything. Don't wait until you are rich to be happy. Happiness is free.
Today, you are about to be happier than you've ever been before. Laugh and share..